Safety in BDSM

There are many experienced doms out there, there are many curious doms out there. However, there are also, many psychos and predators. People who want to dominate you, not prey upon you will have some differences. When you specifically talk to people from the perspective of a bdsm relationship, initially while you talk, there are some things you should watch out for. These should really indicate the one you are talking to could be a fraud, some sort of trap, just a sex maniac who wants to get you in bed tied up and have their way with you.

Things to watch out for:

  • Shows you nudes early on in the message. These folks believe that anything sexual will always incite their quarry, and might even believe that you might resist at first, but once you have sex, you’ll like it. They probably don’t realize, its rape mentality.
  • Asks you to call them master/mistress. Why should you do that? You never agreed to submit to them. You don’t know what their play looks like, or what their nature is. It is essentially forcing will upon you rather than you taking it. Stay away from these kinds of people. Dominance is won by winning sub’s heart, not by imposing it on them.
  • Asks for pics, talks about your location and stuff instead of trying to get to know you. Probably someone just looking for someone hot to trap.
  • Asks for money before letting you chat. The very first message is sent money, then we talk. Just stay away. Most of the folks you come across will have fake profiles, and they’ll just take your money and run away. They would be just clickbait kind of people.
  • Along with over lines, comes findoms. Especially in India, go over to fetlife, and you’ll find clear-cut descriptions along the lines “Those who can pay, pay the tribute and message, others please don’t waste time”.

The big question is what all you should know about your potential dom, what should you talk about before deciding to submit to them. Remember that it is a big step, and if any bondage is involved, you’d be really vulnerable during play. you should talk to someone face to face at least once before considering entering any private place with them. This way, it gives you an advantage of reading their facial expression, to interpret if they are genuine, to check they are what they’ve been saying and honest or not.

In particular, there are some things you should explore about any play partner:
Their identity. If someone refuses to give you details about them even when the talk comes to a point where both of you are interested in each other, it could be something fishy is going on. You should know before meeting them, their real full name, what they do, their relatives or any friends, whether they are willing to let them meet you, their contact, where they live, how they look like, age etc. Basically everything personal. If you are gonna give them you yourself in the form of a sub, it is your full right to know all this. The only ones who’d be uncomfortable with this idea would be ones who’ve something to hide, or who don’t feel its safe to bring you into contact with people from their life on the context of being scared what all you might say to them.

Thier general nature. You should go on a date kind of meetup before you decide to go on any sort of play session. This will be a good opportunity to get to know them in real life, you’ll find out what they like, their general behavior, if they are rude or polite, kind or aggressive etc. It is, in general, a good idea to do this because rushing into things could lead to disaster, even if they are a good person, they just might not be your type.

Thier experience. Ask them about their past experience with bdsm and otherwise, what they did, how was their journey etc. See how knowledgeable they are about bdsm, and whether they understand the dynamics, and they give an impression of skill or extreme care when doing anything.

Thier Style. You should know what bdsm means to them, what do they like to do. This is the talk where you figure what all stuff you have common. If there isn’t much in common, even on the list that you are looking to try, there really isn’t any point in taking things forward.

Some other stuff you should ask out for, relating to how long they’ve been into bdsm, how did they get into it, what they do currently, what’s their favorite thing about bdsm, what sort of relationship they are looking for, whether it is a bedroom dynamic, or lifestyle, how perfect they are in a scene, if they say they are perfect, be really cautious, because no one is, everyone makes mistakes now and then, the point you should try to figure is how they deal with it.

Meetup safety:
You should arrange to travel yourself, so you reach where you wanted to.
You should arrange a safecall, maybe more. It’s also a good idea to inform them of it.
Don’t drink. They should ideally prefer that as well, it’s not a good idea to let a submissive be in bondage, drunk. It’s really unsafe and should be avoided.
Discuss beforehand what you want to be done to you, and what they want to do to you, and set limits accordingly.

SafeCall: Make sure a person knows who you are with, and where. Preferably a person who knows your desires and what you are up to. But even otherwise, you could just say you are going on a date, and for safety, you want to make sure they give you call at some expected time, and also check when you are back. You might also want to discuss signals with your safecall like if everything is fine, you’ll talk a trip or if not, then you’ll talk about the office, just so you don’t have to state clearly in front of your partner what you are thinking.

Background check: Make sure you verify the person you are meeting with. Just a casual encounter with one of their friends will do.

Ideally, you should seek to take part in munches and meetups around your locality, these will usually be safer and you’ll get to know a lot of people into bdsm, who can also guide you. If you have any other fear or concerns that you don’t know how to address, ask these people, use their experience, and think for yourself.

Ultimately, your safety is your own responsibility, and you should use your wisdom when talking to someone. The above article is merely directed as a guideline, in case you forget to take something into account, or you need ideas on how to be safe. Also, don’t think safety is a concern only to a submissive. While a genuine submissive becomes vulnerable and must trust to be safe, a genuine dom is equally vulnerable to safety, the sub could possibly blackmail with a kidnap complaint threat.

Stay safe, Stay sane, Stay consensual 😉

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